


Feels Like The End

by chaoticamanda



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: During the timeskip, Gen, scanlan returns to whitestone during the year break under a disguise, somewhat angsty, sort of spoilers for how they spent the year?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 10:24:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10762338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticamanda/pseuds/chaoticamanda
Summary: The sight of Whitestone makes him weak in the knees when he finally makes it to the town. It’s clearly thriving, much more alive than it ever was when he was there. There are more open storefronts, one of which is namedThe Slayer’s Cake.There is a warmth that stems from his chest at the sight of the tacky logo on the wooden sign out front because there’s no way Vox Machina isn’t involved in it. It gets a little harder to breathe as he approaches the door, but he pushes forward. He has to know.





	Feels Like The End

Scanlan is sitting at the bar, staring into a mug of ale. He blinks, as if he’d been sitting frozen and only now could act, could think. Why was he just staring at his drink? There is chatter all around the bar, patrons laughing and singing and some erring just on the side of angry shouting. He leans a little bit forward, reaching out for his glass. It’s a little big for one hand, so he grabs it with two and takes a sip.

It tastes completely average. There’s nothing special about it—almost as if there’s no real taste.

It unsettles him, and suddenly he realizes that he doesn’t know where he is. He’s been to a lot of taverns in his life, but he doesn’t recognize this one at all. Furrowing his brow, trying to look around for any identifiers of where he might be, he comes face to face with a woman sitting next to him.

All of his focus is drawn to her, and he finds himself unable to look away, no matter how hard he tries. Her face is hidden by a wall of dark, wavy hair, and he’s terrified that she’s going to turn and look at him. His heart is pounding in his chest, but he can’t move.

Scanlan’s breath leaves him in an involuntary gasp when she finally turns to face him. It’s Vex—even though her skin is so pale it’s almost shiny and her eyes are not quite the same shade of hazel.

“Oh,” she says, and her voice has a different ring to it than he remembers, “You’re here.”

He swallows the lump in his throat and nods, “I’m here. Which is where, exactly?”

Vex shrugs, dropping her gaze to her own drink. She doesn’t drink it. “I don’t know.”

“Are…did you do this on purpose?” Scanlan asks, trying to make sense of the situation, “Is this some sort of spell?”

“Darling,” she looks back at him, her gaze piercing, “I would not waste a spell on you, even if I could.”

That stings, but he nods as if it doesn’t affect him. After a pause, he murmurs, “Figured as much.”

Vex turns her whole body towards him suddenly, sharply, “You don’t get to be like that. _You_ abandoned _me—_ all of us.”

“I needed to do it,” he shakes his head, an old fire roaring in his chest. This is an argument he’s had with himself a thousand times since leaving them. “And I said I would come back, so—not abandoning, technically.”

Her head tilts back and a short, cold laugh breaks from her, “You never had any intention of coming back.”

“I did!” Scanlan leans toward her, “I do!”

Vex levels a look at him, and her lips stretch over her teeth in what looks more like a snarl than a smile, “Well, you’re too late, so I guess we’ll never know.”

The words cause his chest to clench, and he feels out of breath, “What? What does that mean?”

“I wanted to forgive you, you know,” Vex pushes away from the bar, rising from her stool, “But then we all died because you weren’t there. And there’s no room in my heart for forgiveness because I no longer have a heart.”

“Vex,” Scanlan’s voice is desperate as he tries to grab her sleeve, “Wait, don’t go—“

She turns away from him and suddenly he’s gasping for air, lying tangled in the sheets of his bed in his mansion. His heart is racing and for a moment he thinks about going to Vex’s room, just to check on her, but then he remembers.

In the morning, when he and Kaylie are eating breakfast—a _real_ breakfast, they haven’t eaten chicken once together—he brings up what he’s been thinking about since last night, “I think I’m going to pay a visit to Vox Machina.”

“Oh, really?” Kaylie looks over at him, the only sign that she’s surprised being her slightly widened eyes. She’s almost as good at hiding her feelings as he is.

“Yeah,” he looks down at the table, “I feel like I should just check up on them, y’know,” he shrugs.

“Well, I’m not going t’stop ya,” she shrugs too, but he can see her watching him from under her lashes.

“Do you want to come with me?” Scanlan asks, and he’s honestly not sure what he wants her answer to be. There’s a chance that all of his friends— _his family,_ a quiet part of his mind reminds him—are dead, and maybe it’s because he wasn’t there to help them. Maybe they’re doing just fine without him. Maybe they hate him. He hasn’t heard tale of them in months, so anything’s possible.

Kaylie chews her eggs thoughtfully, “You goin’ to come back? Be honest.”

There’s a twinge in his chest as he’s reminded of his conversation with Vex in his dream last night. But this is his daughter, and he won’t make promises he can’t keep to her anymore, “I intend to.”

She watches him for a moment more before shrugging then, “I’ll make m’way to Kymal and wait for ya there.”

They part ways, Kaylie heading southwest to Kymal and Scanlan making his way north to Whitestone. It feels odd to travel the path instead of stepping out of a tree and he finds himself unable to push away thoughts of Vox Machina now that he’s alone. He wonders if they’re even at Whitestone, if they’re even still alive, that is. He wonders how they’ve spent their time since he left—did they kill Hotis, did Keyleth ever continue her leadership-thingy, did Pike ever confess who her lost love was?

He wonders if they think of him.

When he’s a day out from Whitestone, he makes the decision to disguise himself. He gives himself some height and makes his clothes as plain as possible. He struggles not to give himself a beret, but finally decides to settle for a dull trapper’s cap. His hair is blond, a little longer than his own, and he looks nothing like himself.

The sight of Whitestone makes him weak in the knees when he finally makes it to the town. It’s clearly thriving, much more alive than it ever was when he was there. There are more open storefronts, one of which is named _The Slayer’s Cake_. There is a warmth that stems from his chest at the sight of the tacky logo on the wooden sign out front because there’s no way Vox Machina isn’t involved in it. It gets a little harder to breathe as he approaches the door, but he pushes forward. He has to know.

The inside of the bakery is small but cozy, warm and pleasant. There is an array of pastries on display, and a blond human man behind the counter. His back is turned to Scanlan as he furiously mixes some kind of batter, as if his life depends on it. “Uh, hello there?” Scanlan clears his throat, employing some tricks Kaylie taught him to make his voice deeper and smoother.

The man spins around quickly with wide eyes, “Oh! Sorry about that! Welcome to _The Slayer’s Cake—_ the finest bakery in Whitestone!”

“I’m sure it is,” Scanlan smiles easily, “I’m new in town, and I, uh, I heard this place came highly recommended. Are you the owner?”

“Yes, yes, I am,” The man puffs out his chest a little before glancing to the side, “Along with my friends Vex and Pike and Keyleth, of course. We all work…very hard here.”

Scanlan prays the man doesn’t notice the way he twitches at their names, the way he can’t stop his fists from clenching. The girls have to be alive then, or else this man wouldn’t speak so freely of them.

“Forgive me,” Scanlan keeps his voice steady, “Aren’t those members of that group…what’s-it-called…Vox Machina? And I don’t believe I caught your name?”

“Oh, I’m Taryon Darrington, of course! Adventurer of Vox Machina, author of a bestselling novel, best baker in Whitestone—I go by many titles!” The man says cheerfully, leaning against the counter.

Scanlan’s mouth goes dry, but the door behind him opens before he can answer. “Tary, darling, what have I said about letting people haggle down our prices?”

Vex’s voice is different to the one he heard in his dream—more _alive._ She steps around him, barely offering a cursory glance. She looks well—only wearing some part of some white dragon hide armor, hide that must have belonged to Vorugal, instead of a full set of armor, and there is more color on her face than he ever remembers there being.

Taryon sighs from behind the counter, “I know, Vex, but they’re just so…emotional about it! You know I don’t really understand people!”

Vex sighs, shaking her head, “You know I can’t stay mad at you. But we need this money, Tary, so please try to be more firm.”

Tary nods, and Scanlan feels like they’ve both forgotten that he’s there, and there’s an ache in his chest. He misses the rapport between he and Vex, between he and all of them, the rapport he had probably destroyed when he left them. He considers leaving, satisfied that Vex is alive, that they’ve obviously done well for themselves.

Before he can step away, Tary’s eyes are drawn back to him, “Oh! I apologize, good sir, this is actually one of those co-owners I was talking about—Vex’ahlia.”

He could drop the disguise right now, take off the cap and let her know that he’s come to visit. Part of him, that part that was always goaded on by Grog, wants to do it, just to see what will happen. A softer part of him is terrified that she’ll send him away, that they’ll have realized everything he said was true. Scanlan swallows and sticks out his hand, doing his best to seem unsuspicious, “It’s a pleasure. I’ve, uh, heard about Vox Machina.”

She takes his hand, but narrows her eyes, “You have?”

“Oh, yes,” he nods, hoping that his voice is different enough, “Slayers of the Chroma Conclave, if I’m not mistaken. But I must confess, I don’t recall hearing about a _Taryon_ as part of that group.”

“Taryon is just as much a member as anyone else,” Her voice is firm, and Scanlan sees Taryon’s smile soften, “Are you new to Whitestone? I don’t remember seeing you anywhere.”

“Just passing through,” he says honestly, “I have family waiting for me in Kymal.”

Something sparks in her eyes at the mention of the town, and he wonders what exactly she’s remembering. Her voice is different when she speaks, a tone he recognizes to mean she’s probing for information, “Kymal’s in the opposite direction. What made you come to Whitestone?”

Scanlan knows he’s made a little mistake, and hurries to save the lie, “I’m searching for a new place to make my home, as a surprise for my daughter. She’s always liked the cold.” That’s a lie, but even if Vex suspected he was Scanlan talking about Kaylie, she wouldn’t know.

“So you don’t _live_ in Kymal now?” Vex presses, but Scanlan suspects she believes him about moving. She’s looking for something else.

“It’s been a temporary home for a few weeks. It’s a nice place,” he answers vaguely, “This place looks very nice too.”

“It is,” Vex answers, biting her lip, “Listen, I…I used to know a girl who…well, the last place I saw her was Kymal. D’you think you’d know her?”

Confused, Scanlan shrugs, “Uh, maybe…what’s her name?”

“Kaylie…” Vex says softly, and Scanlan’s world seems to tilt.

Oh.

He’s not sure what the snaking feeling in his chest is—protectiveness, hope, fear? He doesn’t know how to answer, and pretends he’s thinking. Has Vex been looking for him? Have the others? Does he want to be found? “Uh, no, I don’t recall hearing of a—of a Kaylie,” he does his best to remain steady.

Vex’s shoulders seem to sag, even though she flashes him a bright smile, “That’s…alright. It was a long shot, really.”

Even though he knows he shouldn’t, he asks, “Is she a friend of yours?”

He doesn’t think she’s going to answer, but finally she sighs, “Her father was.”

It’s almost enough to make him throw off his disguise, but he suspects that it’ll hurt more that way. They seem happy enough—they opened a bakery, for fuck’s sake. And they’ve replaced him, so…he got what he came for. “Well, I’ll keep an eye out for her,” he takes a deep breath and steps closer to the counter, “I’d like to get two blondies before I go, please.”

“Of course!” Taryon beams, and packages the squares into a small box, “Please come back again.” Vex moves behind the counter as well, watching Scanlan take the package.

“Wait,” she calls before he can turn around, and his heart skips a beat—does she realize it’s him? “What’s your name?”

“Jaune Renora,” Scanlan lies easily, nodding to the two of them.  "And Taryon Darrington was it? You said you have a book?"

"It's a daring tale full of the exploits of adventurers like Vex and myself," Taryon smiles, but then falters, "It's, uh, not finished yet though."

"Well, I look forward to reading it," Scanlan says honestly. When the door swings shut behind him, he lets out a deep breath. All he needs to do is leave now, meet back up with Kaylie. All he’d wanted to really do was make sure that they weren’t dead, like in his dream, but then again, why had he believed a dream anyway?

Scanlan almost jumps out of his skin when he hears Vex’s voice clear as day, and for a second he thinks she followed him, but then the familiarity of the sensation rushes back to him. He never took off his earring for reasons he doesn’t care to name. Maybe it was a symbol of his promise to return, maybe he just likes the way it looks. “Pike? Are you there?”

It aches worse when Pike replies, as if their voices are slowly tearing his chest open. He’s so close…and he’d never really gotten the chance to say anything to Pike…he could always leave again…

“Yes! Yeah, I’m here,” Pike’s voice comes through clear as day, “Is everything okay, Vex?”

“I just—there was a man from Kymal in the bakery,” Vex sounds uncertain, vulnerable, “I thought…it was a long shot, but anyway, I don’t think Scanlan is there.”

No reply comes for a minute, as Scanlan waits with bated breath. But then Pike’s voice is even softer, “Alright. Maybe Grog has had more luck, right? He’s been gone for a while.”

Percy’s voice cuts in, “Scanlan knows how to find us. If he’s not here, it’s because he doesn’t want to be.”

Scanlan frowns at that, because he _is_ here, and he wants to see them, but it’s just not…it’s too much. If he comes back, he’ll have to face them—he’ll have to face Pike. There is a short pause before Percy speaks again, “I’m sorry. I know you want to find him.” There are words that Percy doesn’t say that Scanlan can feel, like Percy doesn’t want to see him. He’s not sure if that makes him feel better or worse.

“It’s okay,” Pike says, and it feels like Scanlan has heard her say that a million times.

“While we’re on the earrings,” Percy says, “does anyone know when Vax and Keyleth are going to visit again? I need Keyleth’s help with a…project.”

“Soon, I think,” Vex answers, and she sounds stronger than before, more collected.

“I think Vax said something about tattoos,” Taryon chimes in, and Scanlan starts, suddenly feeling like he’s intruding. These conversations aren’t for him anymore.

Scanlan doesn’t stay in Whitestone much longer than that, moving as quickly as possible to get out of range of the earrings. As much as being so close to them hurt, he feels a heavy weight in his heart become lighter. They’re okay. And he knows they can take care of themselves, so there’s no need for him to return—not yet. Besides, he thinks as he makes his way south, he has other promises to keep.

**Author's Note:**

> i miss scanlan. i thought about him stumbling onto vex during her grey hunt trial or kaylie watching the kevdak fight, but in the end i decided to write this.


End file.
